An Ode to Elon Musk

 me and bae. 

me and bae. 

I'd like to outline that 24 hours prior to now, I did not know who Elon Musk was. In fact, if someone were to hypothetically bring him up, I would have inquired, "What's that?" with an equivocally grave and perplexed demeanor. 

However, in this moment, I know Elon Musk better than his own mother (if he has one). Okay, we haven't met yet, but I've conducted enough research (My ADHD only allowed me to read one third of one article) to confidently say I KNOW him. 

 A bunch of random words that I do not know the definition of. I am not really sure these are pronounceable words. But I am no rocket scientist. Haha! Wow, yea, I do not know what this is. But it looks pretty important so #take #notes

A bunch of random words that I do not know the definition of. I am not really sure these are pronounceable words. But I am no rocket scientist. Haha! Wow, yea, I do not know what this is. But it looks pretty important so #take #notes

My ephemeral infatuation with Elon Musk started when I found out he is the co-creator, CEO and product designer of Tesla (shout out to google). This quickly escalated to a full blown obsession after hearing about his whole "Space X" thingy, which he is also the CEO and founder of. I became convinced we were made for each other by God himself, about 16 hours ago, when I learned that HE is "that guy who is trying to colonize mars" who every one has been chattering about. And the moment I tossed the rest of the male population out of the window was when I coincidentally stumbled upon his latest invention, a flame-thrower gun toy (btw - I am a pyromaniac) on my favorite social media platform I use to stalk him... Instagram. Now I am at a point in my life in which I am ready to settle down. I have never been more determined to make a guy my future *potential husband*. 

I know what you are thinking. The age difference. "She's a gold digger." "She knows nothing about rockets." He's a Cancer. She's a Gemini. OKAY, woah. Chill. I never even said I wanted to *actually* marry the guy. I just desire the luxury of having Elon Musk as a prospective in my line up of possible demi-permanent spouses.

No, his measly $20.4 billion dollar net worth did not forced me to acknowledge his existence; it is his networth-to-age ratio which sealed the deal. In a world of plentiful probable future husbands who can double as my sugar daddy, it is a bona fide challenge locating a rare bear who is not over the age of *almost dead* who can support my lavish monthly budget of ~$6,000. I found a scarcity in him, since he is only 46 years old. I even did my math, since he is into that stuff, and we will average about 40 years together (unless he finds a homely blonde*** who isn't me) and that gives me plenty of time to spend every cent of his 20.4 billion dollars. 

Although money does talk, he unquestionably is THE most well-rounded man whom I have never met for the following reasons: he's packed with an Ivy League education, two boring STEM degrees, a foreign accent, a dual citizenship, $20.4 billion dollars, and unlimited access to any Tesla of any kind. He owns Tesla, he owns Space X, he created flame-throwers (therefor probably loves fire as much as I do). To top it off, he's a true sweetie. I read that he once said in an interview that he "is only happy when he is in love." That statement along with his zodiac sign of an emotionally-clingy-Cancer are two up-front convincing signs that he will be utterly obsessed and co-dependent on me. He has great teeth. He has a contemptuous tone which parallels my own, a dark sense of humor with a touch of narcissism** and soon, he'll be the President of Mars (and my heart). 

 **Elon's post on his Instagram of him publicly and sarcastically displaying the unparalleled success of his company by facetiously captioning that Tesla went public "1000 years ago". Fuck. He's so funny. Becauseeeeeee he's only 46. So there's no mathematical nor logical way Tesla went public 1000 years ago. He wasn't even born yet! His parents weren't even born yet! Being typical Elon, he took his joke two steps further by tagging himself, commenting on the unfortunate availability of only monochromatic pictures during his time, to THEN SAY that he doesn't want to brag BUT GOES AHEAD AND BRAGS about his god-like genes that granted him the gift of never aging. Pure magic. I like the way your brain operates, Mr. Musk. 

**Elon's post on his Instagram of him publicly and sarcastically displaying the unparalleled success of his company by facetiously captioning that Tesla went public "1000 years ago". Fuck. He's so funny. Becauseeeeeee he's only 46. So there's no mathematical nor logical way Tesla went public 1000 years ago. He wasn't even born yet! His parents weren't even born yet! Being typical Elon, he took his joke two steps further by tagging himself, commenting on the unfortunate availability of only monochromatic pictures during his time, to THEN SAY that he doesn't want to brag BUT GOES AHEAD AND BRAGS about his god-like genes that granted him the gift of never aging. Pure magic. I like the way your brain operates, Mr. Musk. 

***As marrying Elon Musk became a paramount goal of mine over the past 24 hours upon realizing his existence, I began to examine his exes closely to see the baggage I would deal with one day. Also, to dissect his taste in woman whom I will have to clone myself into. After aforementioned research slash stalking, I narrowed his prototypical wife down to a mousey blonde, with a subaverage face, the body of an awkward prepubescent boy and probably an IQ that tripled mine. (EXCEPT Amber Heard, she is force not to be reckoned with and if she ever wanted Elon back, I will gladly hand deliver him to her, and be their servant for my life term!) Back to me. Being that I am a natural born brunette, with a unique-slightly-above-average face, and the body of a post pubescent boy (like a rugby player, probably), clearly I gtg bc I have further far-reaching work than I projected in order to correctly recreate myself into Elon Musk's own ill-favored, little house on the prairie wife. 

 A picture of Elon Musk v casually flexing, empirically, physically, metaphorically, etc,  on the human race. When he launched a rocket. Super casual. No big deal. 

A picture of Elon Musk v casually flexing, empirically, physically, metaphorically, etc,  on the human race. When he launched a rocket. Super casual. No big deal. 

p.s. I have a miraculous idea of switching my major from "Fashion Merchandising" to "Aerospace Engineer" (Did you know Aerospace is only one word?). Is it too late? Thoughts?

 I guess since he  could  technically be my father due to our awkward age gap, this makes sense. But I am more comfortable with the term "daddy". Actually, "sugar" "daddy" is fine with me. 

I guess since he could technically be my father due to our awkward age gap, this makes sense. But I am more comfortable with the term "daddy". Actually, "sugar" "daddy" is fine with me. 

Carly Messina